Man Talk
by LyraTheWriter
Summary: Two Hetalia males (different dudes in each chapter) have a conversation (conversations vary) from everything from romance, to puberty, to- wait, CROSSDRESSING! Rated T for Chapter 1, language (yes, I'm pointing to Romano), and other variables which I didn't include. Comments accepted. Follows are asked for with no doubt. Reccomandations? BRING IT ON!
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter**_** 1**

So one afternoon, France gave Romania a visit. Romania had been turning England into a fem waaay too many times, and it could be extremely annoying. Plus, the "King Of Romance, Ahon oui oui" needed some love tips.  
When Romania saw France at the door, he welcomed him in. He had just made lunch, so he and France started a small chat.

"Ok France, what brings you here? You're not such a fan of my country, although I do welcome visitors."

"Well, it's about you turning mon Angleterre into a fille all the time. Although it annoys him, it can be quite difficult to have lovey-dovey moments."

Romania groaned. "Don't tell me that the side effect happened."

"Oui, it did. She gets these 'orrible cramps, and 2 week periods with heavy blood flow. We have had NO sex in 3 months!"

"**WHOA! NOT 3 MONTHS!"**

"But what do you do when Hungary's bleeding?"

Romania smiled, showing his impressive sharp canine. "It's even better for us." He licked his lips to emphasize the act.

"Romania, that is the grossest thing I ever heard of!"

"What? It tastes good, I get my daily iron for the day-"

"What the crapola!" France jumped out the window because he was so grossed out. Romania was ROFLING and LMFAOING.

**_But the ironic thing is, France actually tried it...AND LIKED_**_ IT!_

((Bwahahaha! I wanted to make this for a looooong time. What two dudes should I do next? Genderbent (aka male) female characters can be recommended!))


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter**_** 2**

There was a time when Prussia was a late teen and Germany was close to entering adolescence, or so it seemed. Germany never woke up late, and so there was a day when Prussia made some of Germany's favourite wurst for breakfast on a Saturday. When Germany didn't come down to eat, Prussia thought that Germany was really sick or something.

When Prussia went upstairs and entered Germany's room, he saw Germany's body under a blanket, and muffled sobbing noises were heard.

"Germany, what happened bruder?" Prussia questioned.

"Vell, I vas having this really dirty dream about Feliciana..." Germany started, sniffling.

"Vhat?! I get those dreams about Elizabeta all the time!" Prussia laughed.

"But.. when I woke up, my thing was twice the size it should and it's super hard! I think something's wrong with me!"

"Then go and fuck Feliciana- whoa whoa whoa! You didn't have Health class yet? " Prussia sighed.

"I'd never do that to Feli at this age! And I didn't really pay attention..."

"Ok,ok. Well, use your hand, and when you're finished, change your sheets and put the dirty ones in the laundry. After that, come down to eat some wurst. We'll have an awesome conversation, kesesesese~"

"But that's super dirty!"

"Want me to bring Feli?"

"NO! OK, I'll do it!"

((To be continued...))


	3. Chapter 3-Wurst

_**Chapter**_** 3**

((Continuation of chapter 2))

So Germany did as he was told, and in 30 minutes, he and Gilbert were at the breakfast table, eating wurst (oh the irony- for you thickheaded peeps, compare Germany's problem with the wurst- then you'll see the dirty joke, kesesese~).

"Ok West, you know that you're entering a pretty rough stage that isn't always so awesome. It's worse for the girls, but it's pretty tough for the guys too," Gilbert started.

"Yah, but what happens?"

"Vell, you're now in adolescence, and you're going through stages called puberty. One of the not-so-awesome things you get is that thing you got this morning. Don't vorry- it stops happening after you grow up. But your thingy will grow whenever you get turned on, as in, see a super hot girl like that Feliciana Italian chick."

Germany blushed. "And vhat else happens?"

Prussia sighed. "You get hair all over your body, you'll need to shave your face unless you want to look like an un-awesome old dude at the meat shop no one goes to."

"Uh, anything else?" Germany was quivering.

"You get dirty thoughts **all the time.** You're gonna thing about thrusting your wurst into Feliciana until she screams bloody murder all over the place. But she's Italian, so she may conquer your vitals-uh oh."

At the word "wurst," Germany looked green. When Prussia said "uh-oh," he threw up on Gilbird, and it wasn't a yellow marshmallow peep.

Suddenly, a DING DONG at the doorbell was heard. Germany opened it.

"VE~ PASTA! Hey doitsu~ Say Germany, wanna go somewhere?"

And with that, Germany fainted to the floor with a loud THUD.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter_**** 4**

((Belarus is male in this chapter, btw.))

So one day, England was embroidering a quilt, when he heard a knock at the door. Putting his embroidery set away, he opened the door. He was about to scream, when the hand of the visitor put his hand on England's mouth. England calmed down.

When the hand was dropped, England asked, "What brings you here, Belarus?"

"I need a love potion. for Anya ((fem Russia))," Belarus explained.

"Romania is good in that area! Why not ask him? He's more successful in magic than I am."

"Well, when I came to him, he was scared shitless. Besides, he once turned me into a fem, and-"

"The heavy menstrual side effect ensued. I told him that rat's blood was horrible for the spell, but he doesn't listen to me."

"And since I know Norway is a beginner at magic, I thought I should come to you for a love potion. You know how to make one, right?"

"Yes, but there is a 1% chance that a demon could enter the potion."

"Am I more frightening than Russia, who can pop out of the ground with a demon spell?"

"Yes. Ok, but there is always a price."

"I have money-"

"Nope. Not money. You have to write a note about how much you love Russia, read it aloud, and dump it into a cauldron."

"I can do that."

"Ok, up the 20 flights of Hogwarts style stairs!" And England opened the secret passageway to the magic room.

_Moments later..._

When Belarus read aloud what he wrote about Russia, England winced and squirmed a bit at the words. Belarus could be romantic in poetry, but with the darkest twists. Sheesh.

When the potion was finished, Belarus was handed the liquid in a little bottle.

"Ok Belarus, you have to put this in a drink, and give it to Russia. It'll work for 3 hours, so you're tight with time."

"3 hours?!"

"Romania is better, I told you."

"Ok, ok."

And as Belarus walked away, England sighed. For the potion might work a little **too** well. He honestly couldn't make love potions, so a mixture of Via-ra, chocolate, and vanilla had to do.


	5. Chapter 5-Crossdressing

_**Chapter**_** 5**

So one evening, Italy paid a visit at Poland's place.

"Hey Italy! So it's like, Lithuania couldn't come today! I was like, so pissed at her until you showed up!" ((I swear, a lot of Polish dudes/dudettes talk like this- I know from my Polish friends. Oh, and Lithuania is a fem in this chapter.))

"Ve~ Well, Germany wasn't around. I think she has something with me getting behind her when I'm scared and putting my hands on her big-" ((Germany is a fem in this chapter too. Italy and Poland are males, btw.))

"Whoa whoa whoa TMI dude about your German girlfriend. Speaking of girl things, Lithuania has this fetish with me dressing in lacy undies- that's so weird! But hey, they can be like, super stylish!"

"I dressed up in girly clothes as a little kid... Hungary-san gave me them!"

"And you cleaned up for that Austrian priss," Poland scoffed. "I have no idea why Hungary doesn't break up with him already."

"Do you think that she should be with Prussia?"

"Hell yeah! She's an awesome busty chick! Not some Barbie Doll. I'm exicted now - crossdressing time~ Don't forget the paluszki!"

"And the PASTA~"

And so, the crossdressing began! And of course, there were-

_Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses~_ ((I took that out of a Panic At the Disco song called "Build God, Then We'll Talk."))

Paluszki and pasta flooded the place. And just as Poland and Italy redressed in some fancy Victoria's Secret undies, the door opened to reveal Lithuania and Germany.

"Hey doitsu~" Italy cheerfully exclaimed.

"Like, hey Lithuania! It's about time!"

"Hey Poland! Sorry I'm late- Holy shit..." And she turned bright red.

"Holy... Roman...Empire ((oh the irony coming from Germany- what would HRE be like as a fem?))..." And Germany fainted. Again. ((None of the chapters are related though XD))

(Be sure to read my "Hetalia's Got Blurred Lines (Warning Bad Touch Trio)" fanfic!)


	6. Chapter 6- Austria's Curl

_**Chapter 6**_

It was that time of year again. Austria had ran out of hair-curl gel for his maritzel- his so-called hair curl- that when pulled, would "trigger an emotion similar to what would happen if the Italian brothers haircurls were pulled." Naturally, that was all total garbage and this lie was made so that Hungary would stay with him and not with the dude with 5 meters or the most powerful man in the Magic Trio who hardly ever made mistakes in magic,and could genderbend.

As for who he got the hair-curl gel from...

Austria knocked on the door, sweating because of the hot tropical weather. The door was made of wood, and the outside of the house seemed to be made of stuff for an island house. Austria thought the house was improper and should've been made more elegant and more of a European nature. But he couldn't say anything, as the person who inhabited the home gave him his hair gel.

The door opened to a cocoa-skinned man; shirtless and in flower shorts. His hair was in a stereotypical Jamaican-style form, and he had a cone with tropical ice cream in one hand, and an open outstretched other hand, and a cigar poking out from his grin.

"Austria, I thought you'd actually wear summer clothing and not that fancy-shmancy clothing that could overheat you."

"Cuba, I only came for the specific product I need every year."

"Now was a wrong time mahn." The Cuban frowned.

"Cuba? Who's visiting- AUSTRIA?" It was fem Canada, topless and in a sarong tied around her waist.

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT YOU'D DO IT WITH HER AROUND THIS TIME!" Austria shouted, jolting the Cuban.

"Ok, I'm confused." Canada had a puzzled expression.

"I'll tell you about it later, Canadia. Have an extra scoop of maple ice cream while I deal with import and export things with Austria." As Cuba said this, Canada shrugged, leaving towards the kitchen. Cuba and Austria went to Cuba's business room. It had a nice flowery decor.

"Ok mahn, don't use so much this time," Cuba handed Austria a giant jar of hair gel.

"And here is your exchange," Austria smoothly stated, handing Cuba some special cigars.

Cuba looked at him with annoyance. "Pay up for the extra hair gel. I need three extra packs of cigars."

"Fine, fine!" Austria handed him his cigars, mumbling how he couldn't get away with being cheap.

As for Canada, she ate out of a pint of maple ice cream, eavesdropping on the two nation's conversations, filming it, and sending it to Poland, Austria, Prussia, Romania, Japan, and America. She smiled, and walked away, thinking,

"_Now my mission is done. That was easy."_

**((I used to ship CuCan, ok? Anyways, that's my thought on Austria's hair curl. Follow, review, and favourite!))**


	7. Chapter 7- Romano and Turkey and phood

_**Chapter**__ 7_

Romano sat in a corner, reading an Italian romance novel. And as you know, Italians are lovers, so the novel was pretty hardcore. And Romano secretly loved to sneak a bit of reading into his life. He had a fake cover of recipes for pasta so that it would look like he was ostensibly trying to find a new pasta recipe.

But then, his door opened, and Romano stared wide-eyed, ready to curse at what he thought would be Spain. But he was surprised at who came to visit him.

It was The Phantom Of The Opera! "What za crapola, the Phantom Of The Opera lives-" Romano was cut off when the man shut the door and put a hand over the Italian's mouth. From there, footsteps and voices were heard- those of Greece and fem Japan.

"I'll find that jerk! He stole King Kat Cong the 3rd's phish phood kat phood!"Greece shouted.

"But Greece, America wir be-"

"I don't care about Ameowica!"

And these two walked down the hallway. The man loosened his tense muscles, and looked at Romano.

"I'm not the Phantom of the Opera kid. Sheesh, why does everyone say that?"

"But...but... THAT MASK!"

"It's retro cool bro."

"WHAT THE FUCK! ONLY AMERICA CAN SAY DUDE AND BRO AND WHATEVER YOU BASTARDO! Plus you stole King Kat Cong the 3rd's phish phood kat phood!"

"Shh.. I'm Turkey, remember?"

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU STOLE ME FROM SPAIN! SHE ((spain is fem)) HAD TO SAVE MY ASS BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Oooh~ Someone has a crush on the chica~"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE ALL KNOW YOU LOOOOVE FEM AUSTRIA!"

"At least I DON'T READ ITALIAN ROMANCE NOVELS!"

"..."

"I win!"

"YOU ARE A BIG JACKASS!"

"Who's a big jackass?" Fem Spain's head poked through the door opening. Romano screamed,

"HOLY TURKEY STOLE KING KAT CONG PHISH PHOOD KAT PHOOD! I MEAN, HOT CHICA SPAIN! I MEAN, WHAT ZA CRAPOLA HAPPENED HERE?!"

"Ah, love..." Turkey mumbled as he walked away, leaving the spamano to ensue.

((One of my crack pairs' Fem Austria x Turkey. This was a man argument. It was funny yet sissy. We all know what could be manlier... Until next chapter!))


	8. Chapter8-Tralala with Germany and Russia

_**Chapter**_** 8**

((Sorry for not adding to this story recently! I was too enveloped in my What the CRACKTALIA! fanfic. Thankfully a PM-er of mine gave me a fav for this fanfic, and I remembered that I need to add a new chappie to it! So here you are, Russia and Germany!))

"Russia, I can't believe we're actually doing this," Germany muttered.

"KOLKOLKOLKOL~ Well, I'm doing it for Yao. She's going to be happy."

"I still can't believe she's a girl."

"And you just found out that Feli was a girl 2 weeks ago," Russia countered.

Since you dudes and dudettes are still wondering what the fruk is going on, Russia and Germany were behind a stage of the World Meetings Talent Show. Right now, the Bad Touch Trio were all singing and dancing to "The Bad Touch." It sounded like a drunk Iggy was in the midst of it all, but it wasn't too clear. Before that, Canada and America were singing a mashup that consisted of "Canadian Idiot" and "American Idiot," which gave everyone a laugh.

Germany and Russia were dressed in frilly Switzy Alps dresses, and were about to do the tralalala dance. They were not happy, I'll tell you that much. In fact, Russia was about to take a bottle of vodka into his system, when Germany slapped him and told him that there was no way Russia was going to do this with him drunk, right as he himself was drinking a bottle of beer.

"You are a hypocrite," Russia stated, drinking the whole bottle of vodka in a single gulp.

"Shut up! I can take more alcohol than you!"

After many bottles of vodka and beer that rained down from Liechtenstein throwing them down, these two were drunk as they went on stage...

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

(( See? I told you this chapter would be manly! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD))


	9. Chapter 9-Special Edition Chappie!

_**Chapter**_** 8**

As these ridiculously drunk nations went on stage, China and fem Italy gasped ((we all know China is a girl)), and began to snicker. The irony is that Japan and Switsy played the instrumentals, and then the singing went on.

"Oh *hiccup* Russia who brags about how he has 5 MILLION meters! *hiccup*" Germany opera/belted/ sang.

"Well *hiccup* at least I'm not *hic* the brother of the douchebag Prussia!" The audience gasped as these two do-si-doed. A drunk fem Prussia stumbled on stage.

"You better take that back you baaaaaaaaaaaaassssssstarddddddddddd-"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOssssssssssssssssss!" A drunk fem Romano finished that sentence with a belting note on stage, and was dragged away by Spain, while fem Prussia fell off the stage and into male Hungary's hands.

"YA~"

"HO~"

"HO TRALALA~ YA HO HO TRALALA!" Romania and Hungary were happy-drunk and do-si-doing on stage along with the drunk men in the sissy outfits. Japan and Switsy and the whole world was laughing... literally. All of them rolled in the aisles!

"... TRALALALA! YAHOHO!" And with a pop of the balloon, everyone on stage fainted. The whole world gave a standing ovation. Even Austria and Wy were cracking up so hard that they nearly shit themselves silly.

When Germany and Russia found out what had happened... they were like,

"Well, at least I wasn't caught eating a lemon out with my mind reading!" (Get it?)

((BE SURE TO RECOMMEND WHO I SHOULD DO NEXT!))


	10. Chapter 10-Exception Chappie with Canada

_**Chappie 9! America and**_** Canada...**

** ((This may be "Man Talk," but this chapter is the exception for the "2 males rule." If you suggest Canada with someone, and want Canada to be fem, you can make a request. Otherwise, it's all dudes.))**

So Canada was starting to notice how America would crowd himself in front of the TV to watch a specific show. Being a ten year old, and not really understanding the plot of the show because of her small amount of naivety ((Cani is a girl!)), she decided to ask the young teen why he was crazy about it.

"Hey Alfie? What show are you watching?"

America looked at the younger nation. "It's called Pretty Little Liars."

Cani looked at the screen. The girls were kinda pretty... "Do ya think they're pretty?"

Alfred looked at her. "Well, they are kinda hot... but I dunno. There's this girl who I know who's a bit younger than me who's kinda hot in her own way." He looked away, blushing.

Cani was getting bored. "Ok.. So what's this show about?"

All of a sudden, America got excited. "So it's like, this girl's murdered, and these other girls in her group, or clique, have to figure it out!"

"Alfie, I read so many murder novels. How can this be interesting?" Although Cani was innocent of certain things, she knew quite a bit about others.

"Well, there's this mystery person called A and he or she is making threats!"

"But then why not just take the handwriting of all the suspects and figure it out?"

"Oh Cani, wait until you get a bit older, and then you'll understand a whole lot more. Like how plot can be so much deeper, and how many maple products exist in the world, and how you have secret admirers..."

"Well then! I'll go ask Papa France!" She was about to go, but then Alfie pulled her back.

"How about we watch an episode together?"

((OOOH~ Alfie has a crush on someone~ Ok ok, anyways, I did a request for someone ((yay!))!))


End file.
